Mark Cantrell, Author

For an eclectic mix of science fiction, fantasy and a touch of horror...


BLOG: Dirty Little Secrets Of Unwashed Brits

Posted by Mark Cantrell on June 5, 2016 at 9:00 AM

 Go tidy your room this minute

We’re in a right mess, if this survey is anything to go by. No, this isn’t yet another piece about the perils of ‘Brexit’ – it’s a glimpse into the grotty habits of everyday Brits. And what a bunch of mucky pups we are, writes Mark Cantrell


WE Brits are a grotty lot, by all accounts. Well, at least we are according to one of those throwaway surveys created to clickbait their way into the pages of a copy-hungry press on a slow news day. So, it that spirit it seems appropriate to share this piece; you can't beat a bit of grot.


Apparently, a quarter of us (25%) regard our cleaner as more important than our doctor or dentist. Clearly, the survey hasn't been broken down to reflect aspects of social class – anyone who can afford a cleaner to do their own dirty work clearly isn't short of a bob or two. Some of us have to do our own cleaning, when we can muster the motivation.


Well, it's a company that produces cleaning products, “planet-friendly and design-driven” cleaning products at that, so we're doubtless talking premium products aimed at 'premium' people. Yes, it would appear even our washing up liquid and floor cleaner can now serve as essential indicators of a properly middle class, aspirational outlook on life.


Just keep those dirty little secrets out of sight and out of mind; they might ruin the brand, you could say.


The company in question is called medium (so hip and trendy it doesn't even capitalise its name), and these are its top ten dirty habits:


1: Running out of clean underwear and going commando (presumably that doesn't mean painting one's face green and hiding in the bushes)

2: Using a hairdryer to dust

3: Noticing lipstick in a 'clean' glass and wiping it off with a finger

4: Leaving the bed sheets for six months before washing them

5: Following the five second rule and eating food that has fallen on the floor

6: Eating from the same plate that was used at lunchtime

7: Never washing hands before eating

8: Hiding mess away in cupboards rather than cleaning up

9: Buying new clothes to avoid doing the ironing (some people clearly have a generous clothes allowance)

10: Cleaning the house in the nude


Each to their own, you might think; especially that last one. But there's more. Some of us are more concerned about our clothes than we are the state of our homes. Around 13% clean the bathroom less than once every six months, while 16% wash their bed sheets around twice a year too.


Despite the above findings, it seems we're pretty grotty with our clothing too. One in five of us wear dirty clothes taken out of the laundry pile, and 37% of Brits use smelly socks and dirty laundry to dust the home. One girl even confessed that she bought new clothes to avoid having to iron her – presumably growing – wardrobe. Obviously, she's not strapped when it comes to dosh, or maybe it's just an excuse – to comfort buy more outfits.


We're not too discerning about food, either, according to the survey. It claims that 15% are happy to eat food off the floor and admit to using the 'five second rule', you know, the one that says it’s okay to eat food dropped on the floor if you're quick on picking it up.


As for washing our hands before eating, 14% of us just don't. The survey was strangely quiet, however, on the little matter of washing hands after visiting the loo. Perhaps, grotty Brits know some shame after all, and couldn't bear to admit it.


Hands up, then, those who are guilty of this dirty little secret. No, on second thoughts keep your mucky fingers to yourself.


This orgy of grot is blamed on busy modern lifestyles. Well, it's always good to proclaim our laziness is not our fault: just blame society, or the boss, or... or...


Anyway, 90% of us claim a lack of time for cleaning and over 37% put it down to spending too much time at work. So maybe it's not laziness, but cowardice? Too few of us are prepared to get together and collectively draw the line – and tell their boss they are sick of carrying the company with all that extra unpaid work.


No, we'd rather knuckle under, keep our heads down, spend ever-more of our own time at the beck and call of work, but tell each other that we're hard-working, motivated, aspirational go-getters – and live in our own grot. People are a funny lot.


“We know that cleaning can sometimes be a boring and time consuming task,” said Clare Burk, the company's UK marketing manager. “As modern life becomes increasingly hectic it's not surprising that we're continually inventing clever shortcuts to save time and get away with doing as little as possible.”


Clever shortcuts, or just grotty bastards? Anyway, domestic chores are calling; got the bathroom to clean, the washing to do, the sheets to change. In a year or two. Maybe. No rush...


So what's your grotty habit? Go on 'fess up.


Mark Cantrell,


5 June 2016


Copyright © June 2016. All Rights Reserved


Categories: BLOG, ARTICLES

Post a Comment


Oops, you forgot something.


The words you entered did not match the given text. Please try again.

Already a member? Sign In


Oops! This site has expired.

If you are the site owner, please renew your premium subscription or contact support.