|Posted by Mark Cantrell on June 7, 2014 at 6:05 PM|
By Mark Cantrell
Neighbours being too noisy, work colleagues getting on your nerves, the local politician has given cause for annoyance? Well, a cosy chat over tea and biscuits can go a long way to resolving life's little annoyances...
- Ensure that the bath is of an appropriate size.
- Obtain sufficient quantities of sulphuric acid. Remember bulk purchases bring the benefits of economies of scale. Only use your debit or credit card if you wish to make things easy on the police. Pour the acid into the water – not the other way around unless you wish to be your first victim.
- Select your victim, taking care not to attract undue attention.
- Invite your victim round for tea and biscuits and make them feel at home. At no point should your invitation indicate the true purpose of the get together.
- Don’t read this little guide in front of your guest – it is rude and gives a bad impression. Remember you will be judged on your demeanour and etiquette of your hospitality.
- By all means, read your victim some of your poetry, if you must, but remember unless you are genuinely very good this will bring you no favours with the judge, and is likely to constitute cruel and pre-meditated psychological torture of your victim.
- Do the deed by the manner of your choosing, but take care as it is impolite not to let your guest first finish their tea and biscuits.
- Take care in depositing the body in the bath; wear a long rubber apron and extended rubber gloves. Rinse hands and arms thoroughly in running water before attempting to remove. At no point scratch an itch on exposed skin until this procedure is done. On purchasing said garments, if called upon for explanation simply indicate you are a sexual pervert into some strange bondage activities and suspicion will evaporate. Failing that, invite them round for tea.
- Once the guest has gone and dissolved, at no point reach into the bath to remove the plug, unless you want to literally give your guest a helping hand on their way out. Remember those gloves!
- Don’t forget to thoroughly clean that bath. Scum rings will require particular vigour. This can be considered excellent exercise. Don’t forget a good air freshener for those lingering odours.
20 August 2006
Copyright © August 2006. All Rights Reserved.