Mark Cantrell, Author

For an eclectic mix of science fiction, fantasy and a touch of horror...


SATIRE: Should Have Read This, Mr Assad

Posted by Mark Cantrell on June 3, 2012 at 9:25 AM

A Guide To Becoming A Successful

Serial Killer

In these troubled times, it's often difficult for the murderously inclined to know how to safely further their hobby, so Mark Cantrell offers this handy little guide for the morally-challenged

 1. Identify that your country is an appropriate locality for the execution of your endeavours.

 2. Research any organisation that will become an appropriate vehicle for the preparation of your aspirations.

 3. Navigate and/or sleaze your way into a top position within this organisation. Win friends with large bank accounts; get them to fund you into a suitable office.


4. As you climb the ranks, ensure you locate a winning position to make it to the top.


5. Once secure in the top position, president, prime minister or whatever is relevant to your particular locale, endeavour to create a war as soon as is realistic. Civil wars are ideal for this, though do have inherent dangers, so consider this option with care.

 6. Sit back and watch the body count mount. Don't forget to offer lucrative war contracts to your friends.

 7. In the event that you are deposed from office and find yourself the captive of a stronger power and/or on trial for war crimes/crimes against humanity then you failed to properly identify the best location for your activities (see point 1).


8. In the event of being incarcerated and/or executed for your activities, then the author of this document bears no responsibility for your own failure to fully prepare and research beforehand. Politics, like life, is frequently unfair.


9. Should your preference not run to such a mode of mass/serial killing and your favoured modus operandi is of a more hands on nature, then you will need to look elsewhere for guidance. Try your local shrink or police station for best effects.

 10. One should remember that the only socially acceptable form of mass/serial killing is the kind conducted within the context of a Western democracy as the executive head of said state. Any other approach will bring consequences of an unpleasant nature upon the perpetrator (though not as unpleasant for the victims, it may be said.) When contemplating such a career, therefore, it must be carefully considered prior to execution. This is of course subject to the proviso that one is not on friendly terms with Western heads of state, or powers of sufficient might to give the former pause for thought.


Mark Cantrell,


20 August 2006


Copyright (c) August 2006. All Rights Reserved.



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